


I Could Kick You Out Of The House You Know

by InASeaOfSound (amkamoo)



Category: venting - Fandom
Genre: Anger, Sadness, just venting, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 17:14:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14794622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amkamoo/pseuds/InASeaOfSound
Summary: This is just me venting, feel free to wholly ignore. I'm sorry.





	I Could Kick You Out Of The House You Know

I am so so mad.

To give you some background:

My dad grew up without his parents. He lived with his aunt and uncle, and they clearly loved their own children more than him. As such, he was rather neglected, to the point that he was only really getting one meal a day during his teens. To top it off, his uncle was a very angry man. I think in that household, all he saw was a lot of aggression. When he finally moved to England to live with his family, he could see how much my grandparents favoured my dad's younger brother.

He got married eventually, and then problems only got worse. My uncle decided on the day of his wedding that he didn't want to marry his fiance. My dad obviously reacted as you would expect, and then after the wedding, when my uncle refused to be associated with her, my dad encouraged him to get a divorce. This made sense, if my uncle didn't want to be married to her, then he shouldn't continue to be selfish and stay married and stop her moving on. My grandma strongly disagreed, and this created a deep rift. Of course, the cracks had already been there, but this made it worse. She was so blind with her love for my dad's brother, she couldn't see straight.

My grandad passed away shortly after that, and he was a very large join in the family. Eventually, we were kicked out. One argument had led to the next and my grandma unceremoniously announced that my parents, and 3 year old me weren't welcome in their home any longer.

I just explained all that to show I get it - my dad had a really messed up childhood and had to work so so hard to get us to where we are now. He had to provide for all of us when we had nowhere to go. He'd never known love. And I feel for him, that's horrible and unfair especially as my uncle was seen as golden child and never had to experience any of that.

But because of it all, a lot of the time my dad is just angry. He gets very easily annoyed and he always always has to be right. And it honest to god infuriates me. I'm stubborn and it's because of him, I also get easily annoyed but I'm nowhere near as bad as him. I love with all my heart and I'm vocal about it.

He loves us, I know he does. But he shows it through working and collecting us and always over worrying.

What I don't like is the things he says - he gets pissed off with us and boom he will ignore you for days, whilst you go back grovelling and apologising for something that is often so inconceivingly minor that you can't believe it was ever a problem.

My mum always says we should be thankful he's not like other people's parents. As if we should be grateful that my dad is only verbally shouting rather than physically abusing, and that he isn't swearing at us/saying worse things. I don't care? The things he says are still hurtful, and he knows they are. I'm sensitive, and I know my brother likes to pretend that he doesn't care at all but I know he's sensitive too. You don't forget these things. 

My dad uses emotional manipulation to the max, but they wouldn't ever call it that. And it's just so frustrating because I know they care so much, as they like to point out they love us  _far more_ than other people's families, but this is also so  _not right_ and I'd much rather other families because I've now grown up into this terribly oversensitive person that cries so easily and I can't take much at all. I'm set off so easily, and now I'm older I can see him snapping at my brother so much more easily. And I don't know if it is because I'm more perceptive or if he's more stressed now than ever, but I hate it. 

This whole vent has started because:

He just threatened to kick my brother out the house. And got angry at him again for something that didn't warrant it. And honestly, how dare he? He's said shit like this to me/us before, but directly like that when nothing had even really happened, and then following up with "You know I was holding back from saying this" etc. etc. "You don't last 2 days before you act out again", just makes me so furious.

And I just sit there when things like this happen because I don't really know what to do. If I speak, even in a balanced way to try to smooth things out, it will only make things worse. He takes it as a personal attack, any form of slight contradiction or interference. But I don't want my brother thinking I'm not there for him. I'm so much more used to this that I just shut up and scream at my dad in my head. But my little brother, he's so young and he just says what he thinks, which I think that can be a good quality. It just seems bad to my parents because it's "talking back" when really half the time, my brother is just continuing the conversation. It just happens to not align with their opinion. He says what comes to his mind, and he doesn't do it with the intent of rudeness. Years of nagging (to put it lightly) has made him defensive. He's also closed off now which makes me sad, "I don't care" is his favourite phrase. I know he's going through puberty, and teen angst and what not, but I hate how so much of what he sees and experiences at home is just constant reminding that he's not doing enough. It's not a very overly positive environment. 

And they need to stop that, my parents. At that age, that's what sent me into such a vicious cycle. The standards that I was trying to hold myself to, the feeling that I had no one to talk to, this constant nagging and not enoughness. I fell into a dark spiral and it took me a long time to overcome it. It still haunts me today sometimes although I'm in a much better place thankfully.

I don't want that to happen to him, but I don't know how I can protect him from it. :(

I just popped into his room briefly to reach out to him. He smiled and held my hand, and I'm just hoping that he knows I love him more than anything and not to let it get to him. It's the only form of solidarity I can show right now until I can talk to him tomorrow. 

Just ugh :( Sorry if you've had to read all this. It probably is not making much sense, and I know this is a fanfic site, but I wanted to write in the hope it will help. And it has slightly, so thank you random reader if you've stuck with this to the end :) 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I might turn this into a series like an online diary for whenever I feel triggered. x


End file.
